The Real O'Neill
by AlinaintheSky
Summary: SG-1 goes head-to-head in the ring with their robot copies from Tin Man and Double Jeopardy. MADNESS!
1. PreMatch

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate.  
  
A/N: Ok, I was watching "Double Jeopardy" last night, and I just had to write this fic! Ok, "Double Jeopardy" is like the sequel to "Tin Man", the episode where a man named Harlan makes robots that are exact duplicates of SG-1.  
  
The two O'Neill's never really liked each other. They were always fighting over who was the real O'Neill. In the beginning of "DJ", they were actually fighting (physically). And that gave me an idea...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Yeah? If you weren't a robot I'd kick your ass!" O'Neill yelled.  
  
"Yeah? Well then come on! Right here, right now!" the other O'Neill shouted back. "Oh yeah?" he replied through gritted teeth. "Yeah!" the other one applied through equally clamped teeth. "Bring it on!" They flung themselves at each other, the robot punching his other in the stomach, and then the original locking him in a headlock.  
  
"Sirs!" Sam yelled. They looked up. "As much as I'd like to see how this plays out I don't think this is the time."  
  
They separated and glared at each other. Just then a voice rang out.  
  
"Actually, this is the perfect time! Because you're on...WWWF CELEBRITY SMACKDOWN!" The lights dimmed and the team found themselves standing in a huge wrestling ring. Suddenly, the lights came on again and a loud cheering noise filled the room.  
  
The original SG-1 were standing at one end and their copies were standing at the other. The stands were filled with screaming fans and a few bookies, raking in last-minute bets. The two teams stared at each other. There was a pause.  
  
"I'm gonna kick your ass, Bot-boy!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Liss: lol didja like it? Each chapter is going to be one member of the team. Oh, and I have in mind a few ideas on which one will win, but I am taking votes. So, next chapter will be the Jacks! Which one do you choose? Robot or Real? 


	2. Jack vs Jack

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate.  
  
Liss: Well, I only got two reviews. THANK YOU, to Freakazoid and Jade Panther, you are awesome. Unlike some OTHER people I won't mention...*cough all you people cough* So, this chapter is therefore dedicated to you guys! Betcha you're happy now! Hee hee...  
  
Anywayz, let's get started. I did take in mind your suggestions, and I have a few ideas of my own to add, too...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Jack O'Neill sat in the corner of the ring. He had a towel draped around his shoulders and neck, and a water bottle clutched in his hand.  
  
"Jack, fighting is not the answer. Don't do this!" The voice of reason said.  
  
"Daniel, will you just shut-Hey, aren't you supposed to be off on another planet or something?" Jack asked, squinting up at him. Daniel paused.  
  
"Uh...um...that's not the point. Fighting is bad and never solves anything! You can't just expect that everything will work out from punching someone in the face!" he said.  
  
"Hey Geek-face! I'm gonna whoop your ass!" the Geek-faced double shouted. Daniel turned around slowly, shocked. "I am not a geek!" he exclaimed, pushing up the bridge of his glasses. "Then again, Jack, there is a time to punch someone..." he started towards his double but Jack pulled him back.  
  
"Wait your turn!"  
  
"Hey, aren't *you* supposed to be dead, too?" the copy O'Neill asked. The robot Daniel stared at him for a second. Then his eyes moved to some far- off place.  
  
"Malfunction. Malfunction. System failure. Automatic shut down," he said in as low a voice he could muster. Unfortunately, since this is Daniel, his low voice was a high tenor. Robot Jack stared at him and slowly turned away.  
  
"Ok, men, take your places!" the big voice boomed throughout the stadium. Jack and Jack stood up and prepared to bash each other's head in.  
  
"Heh heh heh!" a nasally voice cackled from outside of the ring. Jack and Jack looked down to see a man with a huge wad of bills in his hand, sitting with his feet on top of a desk, clearly enjoying his relaxation. Every now and then he would lick his finger and count every separate hundred. He let out a nasally laugh every time he licked his finger.  
  
"Ferretti?"  
  
He looked up. His smile faded as he stared between the two. "Uh...sir? -- s? Sirs?" They stared at him. "What? Can't I make a buck on the side?" he asked them innocently. They both rolled their eyes.  
  
DING!  
  
The bell rang. They didn't have time to reprimand Ferretti. They looked at each other and started circling each other.  
  
"You know, you can't win," the original said. "And why is that?" "Because I'm pure. All man. And nothing beats that," he taunted, showing off his body with his hands like Vanna White. He leaped forward but the robot dodged away at the last second.  
  
"I don't think so. I'm better!" "And what is that supposed to mean?" "It means I'm stronger, faster, bet-ter," he said, practically spelling out the last word. "And I have good hair," he added haughtily, flipping it out of his eyes.  
  
"And what the hell is that?" the original asked, offended. "Well, for one, I actually *have* hair. And, it's brown, not white," he smiled. "Oh that's it!" Jack flung himself upon his smiling double and started beating the crap out of him.  
  
"No one disses my hair! NO ONE!" He sat on his double's torso, pinning him down to the ground. Finally the robot managed to fling his legs back and lock onto the original. He swung his legs back, taking the original with them. O'Neill went flying backwards and hit the bungy-like side. As a result he flung back and knocked his robot twin on the floor.  
  
"Uh..." the robot groaned. Jack stood up for a second to wave at the cheering audience. But only half of the audience was cheering. The other half, made up of robots and even a few replicators were booing him. He squinted and thought he could even see C3PO and R2D2.  
  
"Oh my, R2, you are quite right. He seems to have thought himself king."  
  
"BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP BEEP BEEP-BEEP!" (translation: when will it end? WHEN?! Why can't he just leave me alone?!)  
  
Robot Jack swung his leg out, knocking out the original's feet, making him fall to the floor, too. They both grabbed onto each other and grappled.  
  
"Remember, there are no rules!" the loud voice shouted.  
  
"Good!"  
  
They bit, clawed, spat, and even flicked each other until they had to stop for air. Two seconds later they resumed their fight. At that moment, Harlan appeared at the edge of the ring.  
  
"Please, colonels! Don't fight! Violence solves nothing!" he pleaded.  
  
"Who the hell are you? Daniel?" The original asked, wincing as his double choked him.  
  
"Please just stop! You don't have to do this!" They both paused. "Yes we do! Now stay out of it!" They went back to their fighting. Harlan sighed.  
  
"Hey Harlan, you look like a nice kinda guy. How about we make a little wager?" Ferretti asked, putting his arm around Harlan's shoulder and smiling an evil fox grin.  
  
"Well, I---" "Excellent! How about we start at two hundred?" As Ferretti led him into the bet, the original Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c watched nervously from the sidelines.  
  
"What should we do?" Sam asked.  
  
"How about we help Jack?" Daniel asked, starting to take off his glasses.  
  
"I do not believe that is wise, DanielJackson. I believe we should stay where we currently are," Teal'c said, staring at the two colonels.  
  
Jack flipped his robot duplicate over and he landed with a thud on the floor. He bent down, his grin spreading from ear to ear. "Had enough?"  
  
The robot groaned. Jack smiled even wider and began to stand up. For the second time that day the robot swung out his leg and tripped the original. They both lay down, groaning and moaning.  
  
"Well, looks as if we have a tie! We'll finish this later," the big voice boomed, sounding a little disappointed. Sam and Sam went to the ring and dragged off Jack and Jack. Teal'c and Teal'c helped prop up Jack and Jack while Daniel and Daniel hovered worriedly over them.  
  
"Next up we have Daniel and Daniel! Are you two geek-faces ready?" the voice sneered.  
  
"Hey! We're not geek-faces!" they replied angrily, taking off their glasses and blowing their noses. It was quiet. Daniel and Daniel looked up to find the whole stadium staring at them.  
  
"What? I have allergies!"  
  
"Geek!" everyone coughed into their hand and turned away.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Liss: Ok, I'll admit it wasn't my best, but I just want to get it out. I'm outta ideas for the next one. A little help? Lol you know where to find me!  
  
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	3. Daniel vs Daniel

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate. But I do obsess over it! *drools*  
  
Liss: Ok, thanks again to Jade Panther and Freakazoid for being here since the beginning-  
  
Skaara: It's only chapter 3.  
  
Liss: *stares* *whacks him* Ok, and another thanks to majcarter and urdreamkeeper for reviewing, too! And I have decided that the story needs a little pizzazz so I'm gonna give you guys a little surprise...*wink*  
  
Skaara: Ew!!  
  
Liss: You pervert! *throws pillow at him* No, not like that! Just something...fun. *grins* Ok, onto chapter three!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Daniel and Daniel stared at each other. Original Daniel's eyes narrowed as he sized up his opponent. Eh, he didn't look so tough. In fact, he looked kinda puny. He smirked. What a weakling! Daniel bet he was beat up a lot when he was younger. 'What a nerd. ...Hey wait a minute!' Daniel cursed at himself for calling himself puny.  
  
Meanwhile, Robot Daniel was analyzing his original in his head. 'Ok, any weak spots? Upper right thigh. Ooh, better keep that one protected then,' he thought, making a mental note to favor his right thigh. 'Anything else? Nope. He doesn't look too tough, though. Heh heh... In fact,' he smirked, 'I bet he was beat up a lot when he was younger. He is so puny! What a nerd...Hey wait a minute!' Robot Daniel cursed at himself for calling him puny, too.  
  
Daniel caught Daniel's eye. Daniel's eyes narrowed even more. Daniel's eyes flashed red.  
  
"Let's kick some (robot) ass!"  
  
DING! The bell rang. They started to circle each other. They went round and round and round. And round.  
  
-twenty minutes later-  
  
The Wonderball goes round and round...  
  
Don't ever let it touch the ground...  
  
For if you do, I will declare...  
  
I can see your underwear...  
  
"IT'S BEEN PLAYING FOR TWENTY GOD DAMN MINUTES! CAN'T YOU SHUT IT OFF?!" Jack and Jack yelled to the loudspeaker.  
  
"Well excuse me! I play music that suits the mood! Get off my back! If you think you can do better...?!"  
  
Jack and Jack grinned.  
  
Meanwhile, in the ring...  
  
Daniel and Daniel were getting dizzy. They stopped for a break. "You're *breath* going *breath* down, *breath* Nerd *breath* ," Robot Daniel huffed. "Yeah? *breath* Well *breath* if I'm a *breath* nerd *breath* then you are *breath* too *breath* ," Daniel concluded, his chest heaving up and down. "Good *breath* point."  
  
Finally they were up again. They circled each other for a few more minutes.  
  
The Wonderball goes---  
  
"UP YOUR ASS!"  
  
There was a struggling sound through the speaker boxes, and then silence.  
  
"Ok, and back to the fight..." Original Daniel said, trying to focus back on his opponent. This was harder than he thought. I mean, how can he beat himself? He was so handsome and popular, and strong...how could he ever win?  
  
Sam recognized that look of narcissism and yelled, "GIVE IT TO EM, DANIEL!"  
  
"Right!"  
  
Original Daniel lunged at his robot double and knocked him down. They tumbled and rumbled and rumbled and tumbled; each time one landed on top they would be knocked on the bottom. Finally they broke apart, panting. Then they flung themselves on each other again. It was a tangle of limbs from then on. Suddenly, there was a loud-  
  
RIIIIIIIIIP!  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!"  
  
Original Daniel fell back in pain, clutching his face. Robot Daniel grinned widely, reminding Daniel of when he was "evil" for a time (Harseisis episode). Original Daniel stared up in horror at his robot double, a clump of hair in his hand.  
  
"MY SIDEBURNS!"  
  
Daniel sat on the floor, slowly rocking back and forth, tears coming to his eyes. Robot Daniel stretched his arms to the audience and laughed evilly. The robots went crazy. The replicators replicated twice their normal rate, the robots' heads spun rapidly, and a few even starting spouting nuts and bolts. "I say, chap, good show! Don't you think so, R2?" "BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEPITY-BEEP BEEP BEEPY." (translation: I'll give you five seconds to run.) Daniel was soaking it all up with a beaming face.  
  
"Hey Daniel! Wake up! Pull yourself together!"  
  
Daniel lifted his head out of his arms and looked around for the voice. "Who said that?"  
  
"I did, stupid!" Daniel looked down to see a short girl with jade green hair staring up at him. "Who are you?"  
  
"Jade Panther, nice to finally meet you," she said, shaking his hand. "What do you mean, finally? Are you a stalker?" he asked, eyeing her suspiciously. "No... What ever would give you that idea...?" She shifted her eyes. "Anyway, you have to get up! Look at yourself!" "But he ripped off my sideburns!" he whined.  
  
"Oh boohoo, go cry about it later. But right now, get your ass off the floor and make him pay!" she yelled. Daniel slowly stood up. "Yeah. You're right! Thanks!" He stretched his arms, cracked his neck, and tapped his double on the shoulder. The double turned around and Daniel punched him square in the jaw. From then on it was a tumble just like before.  
  
Jade Panther walked over to where Sam and Teal'c were standing, watching the fight. "Hi!" she said. "Hi. And you are?" "Jade Panther," she smiled, shaking each of their hands. She pulled something out from behind her. "Popcorn?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Jack looked through the stacks of CDs in the loudspeaker's box. "Bach...Mozart...Beethoven...Hanson...man, this guy sucks," he concluded, staring at his double with disgust.  
  
"Couldn't have said it better myself," his double replied. They looked at each other, confused for a second. "Whatever," the shook their heads.  
  
"Hey, I've got an idea!" they both said. They grinned evilly at each other and started laughing. "AHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"  
  
It went deadly silent in the stadium. Jack and Jack stopped laughing abruptly and looked out the window. Everyone was staring at them. Their eyes glanced over to the microphone, seeing that the red light was on. Their eyes darted back to everyone. "Heh heh, sorry everyone! Please, continue!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Liss: Well? What did you think? Please review and tell me! Oh, and I hope that was a nice surprise for you guys! I have more coming, just so you know! And Jade Panther, I am really sorry if I portrayed you wrong. If you tell me, then I'll upload it correctly in this one's place!  
  
Skaara: She means if you're actually a guy.  
  
Liss: Shut up!!! *whacks him* *sigh* I love doing that. lol But I don't want this to be a cameo fic, I'm only adding those four mentioned up top. *points to the top of the page* So Freakazoid, Jade Panther, urdreamkeeper, and majcarter, please tell me a short description and I can put you in! *wink* Ok, review please! 


	4. Sam vs Sam

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate.  
  
Liss: YAY! Thanks to millenium-writer for the awesome idea!  
  
Ok, to all of you out there, I'm making a new announcement: count all the "Indeed"'s throughout this fic, starting with THIS CHAPTER! If you get it right, you get a cookie!!! Mmm..chocolate...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Ok, this is just getting boring. Next!" someone from the audience yelled. Daniel and Daniel broke apart and went to their sides respectively.  
  
"And next up in this lovely display of skill will be the lovely Major Carters," Jack and Jack's voice boomed through the loudspeakers. Sam and Sam stepped uncertainly to the center.  
  
"You know, I still can't believe this is possible," Sam said. Her robot rolled her eyes. "Duh, I already said that the first time we met." Sam frowned.  
  
"Are you ok?"  
  
"Yea. I'm just annoyed at the idea that I have to fight myself. I mean, we have so much to learn about each other."  
  
The original frowned again.  
  
"Physically, not mentally, of course."  
  
Sam smiled. "Yea. I mean, we should use this power for the greater good, not for fighting each other."  
  
"I agree."  
  
"Aw, hell! How do you work this thing?" one of the Jack voices yelled through the loudspeaker. Sam and Sam grinned at each other. "Oh yea!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"So.." Jade Panther said, looking down into the popcorn container she had brought. "How was fighting, Daniel?"  
  
Daniel just grumbled.  
  
"No need to thank me," she said flatly, crumpling up the container and throwing it away. "Thanks," he mumbled. "So? What was it like?!" she asked excitedly. "It was...enlightening," he said sarcastically. "Indeed." A raised eyebrow.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Meanwhile, on the robot side...  
  
"Who the heck was that?" Daniel grumbled, wiping his face with a towel. "I do not know, Danieljackson," Teal'c said, giving look #3: I-am-puzzled. Daniel glared up at him. "You know, even though you're a robot, you could quit saying "Danieljackson" as if it's one word. It really bugs me." "Indeed," he said, a hint of a smile on his face.  
  
"Aw, don't worry about her. I've gotcha covered," Freakazoid said, grinning at Daniel as he poked his head over Daniel's shoulder. "Thanks. You know, that makes me feel---WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!" He jumped back and fell head over heels off his stool, out of the ring, and onto the cold hard floor. Even Teal'c seemed surprised.  
  
"I'm Freakazoid!" the boy said, shaking his sandy hair out of his eyes. "Well, duh, but what's your name?" Daniel asked, massaging his nose as he climbed back into the ring. Freakazoid stared. "That *is* my name, dumbass. And anyway, I've come here to help you guys." He smiled.  
  
"Why? Where'd you come from? How'd you find us? Waaa waaa waaa waaaahhhh- MAJOR MALFUNCTION. MAJOR MALFUNCTION. DATA OVERLOAD. DATA OVERLOADLOADLOADLOADLOADLOADLOADLO----" "DANIEL!" Freakazoid yelled, smacking him. He shook his head.  
  
"All you need to know is that I'm Freakazoid, I'm here to help you, and robots rock." "Oh. Ok," Daniel smiled. "How are you going to help us?" "Hmm..that's a good question. Well, first, I think we have to work on your fighting strategy. Teal'c can handle himself." "Indeed." (eyebrow raise)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sam and Sam stood in the middle of the ring, discussing something. Boos came from all sides of the ring. "Fight fight fight fight!" "BEEP BEEP BEEEEEPITY!!" "CLONK CLONK!" "We want to see some action!" WHACK! "I didn't mean it THAT way!"  
  
Sam and Sam stepped apart and started circling each other.  
  
"Hey, aren't wormhole physics amazing?"  
  
"Yea. It's so fascinating, I don't know why everyone just doesn't study it."  
  
"They don't?"  
  
"No. But more for us!"  
  
"Yea! So, have you figured out how to make a nuclear reactor work?"  
  
"I've tried a few simulations, but the best I could come up with was just a practice run. It's missing some molecular fusion and I think the sub- atomic neutrons aren't aligned."  
  
"Ah. Well, try rearranging the flight modules and running a sub-molecular basis on the analysis data."  
  
Through the loudspeaker came the sound of something heavy dropping.  
  
"And try for some more energetic cohesion between the nuclear particles and the naquadah particles. That might help."  
  
"Oh thanks. I'll have to try that when I get back. You should come."  
  
"Great! I'll show you how to get enough energy from the base, balance it with the atomic mass, and build up an energy barrier which may overcome the increasing range of the reactor's core."  
  
"Great!"  
  
A faint moaning could be heard from the boxes.  
  
"But it may have to wait. I'm currently working on a report on wormhole physics."  
  
In addition to the moaning came a low groaning noise. The groaning and moaning increased slightly.  
  
"And did you know that the event horizons is just two centimeters in diameter?"  
  
"Yea! How can something that small make such a difference?"  
  
"I don't know. We should co-write a book about it!"  
  
"That's a great idea. We'll start after I get back and show the colonel how to run the VCR."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" A loud screaming, the sound of sparks flying, shattered glass, and a shriek went off in the stadium. People covered their ears while the robots turned off theirs.  
  
Sam and Sam grinned at each other, shook hands, and went back to their sides.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"TOO MUCH DATA. TOO MUCH DATA. WARNING: OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD. OVERLOADLOADLOADLOADLOADLOADLOA------!!!" Sparks flew in all directions. Luckily, Original Jack was cowering behind the desk and didn't get hit. He was rocking back and forth, his eyes squeezed shut, covering his ears, and yelling "Doohickeys! Doohickeys! Doohickeys!"  
  
When he didn't hear anything else, he stopped rocking, poked open one eye, and surveyed the room. It was fried. He slowly stood up. "Jack? God that feels weird," he muttered. He looked over the desk and his face fell. "For cryin' out loud..." The robot lay on the ground. Other than the fact that it was smoking, it didn't look that bad. Oh yea, and it was missing its head.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"EW!" a girl shrieked, holding Jack's head. The face stared up blankly. "What the hell?!" Suddenly the face moved. "Uh, would you mind...you know..." He made some gestures with his face. The girl shrieked and tossed the head clear across the ring. It landed in someone's lap.  
  
"I say, R2. Look at this. A human head," C3PO said in awe, staring down at Jack. R2 rolled his light. "Uh, I'm not human, pal. I'm robot, just like you." He paused. "But that doesn't mean I'm not all man! I'm still all man!!!"  
  
C3PO looked at him. "Well, you had better find your body, eh, sir?"  
  
Jack stared flatly. "No duh. Just bring me back up to the speaker's booth."  
  
C3PO looked around. "I'm not quite sure where that is. I guess you'll just have to stay here for now, with us!" he smiled.  
  
"GOD HELP ME! SOMEBODY, PLEASE!"  
  
Walking forlornly over the loss of all of his money on a bid, Harlan looked around for the sound of his beloved robot. "Colonel O'Neill?" he asked.  
  
"Harlan! Harlan, over here!" Harlan made his way over to the voice and shrieked. "Oh my! Oh my oh my oh my!" He bent worriedly over Jack.  
  
"Harlan, I've never been so glad to see you in my life." He stopped. "Actually, I've never been happy to see you." Harlan hesitated, then did his little bow-thingy. He gingerly picked up Jack's head and walked off.  
  
C3PO watched him leave. "I say, what an odd man, R2. R2? R2? Where are you, R2?" He looked around. He stood up and walked to the end of the row. "Ah! There you are, R2!" R2 was rolling slowly away, as quietly as he possibly could. When C3PO caught sight of him, R2 stopped and waited for his annoying friend to walk over and drag him back to his torture. R2 robotically sighed.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Hey...where is Daniel going with that boy? Who is he?" Jade Panther asked, standing on her toes to get a better view. They were exiting the stadium. "I don't know," Daniel said, looking quizzical. Just then Jade Panther caught sight of some boxing gloves hanging over Freakazoid's shoulder.  
  
"They're going to train!" she yelled. "Come on, flyboy, we've got a lot of work to do." She grabbed Daniel by the ear and dragged him through the opposite exit and towards their training gym. She snatched some spare gloves from a bench and threw them at him.  
  
"Alright, we've got a lot of work ahead of us."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
It was silent in the ring except for the murmuring of the crowd. "Well, looks like you're up, Teal'c," Sam said, patting him on the shoulder. "Indeed."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Well, looks like you're up, Teal'c," Robot Sam said, patting him on the shoulder. "Indeed."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Liss: Well, what'd you think? Thanks again to millenium-writer for that amazing idea! Oi...I'm repeating myself again...  
  
Skaara: HAHA!  
  
Liss: You better shut up before I put you in the ring!  
  
Skaara: You can't! They didn't make a robot out of me! *sticks tongue out*  
  
Liss: That's what you think...  
  
Skaara: O.O  
  
Liss: And even if they didn't, you'll have to beat yourself up. Heh heh heh...I am brilliant. *sighs*  
  
Skaara: Don't review, she'll eat you alive!  
  
Liss: Oh shut up, I'm not Cronus! Speaking of Cronus...we're gonna have some fun with him next round...MWAHAHAHAHA! 


	5. Teal'c vs Teal'c

Disclaimer: I do not own SG-1 or their robot duplicates. cries

Liss: Ok, recap: SG-1 and their robot doubles are having a wrestling/boxing/fighting match against each other. So far, the Jack and Daniel matches have been draws, and the Sam match turned out to be a tie. Now it's the Teal'c's turn. Also, the Jacks have taken over the loudspeaker box. So far the announcer has been missing… Robot Daniel is being trained by a robot-loving nerd while Original Daniel is being trained by a stalkerish fangirl.

So, without further ado, here it is! Real O'Neill chapter 5! Teal'c vs. Teal'c!

---

Teal'c and Teal'c stepped to the center and waited for the bell to ring. Nothing happened. They stared at each other. Sam and Sam looked at them, waiting for something to happen. Nothing.

Two minutes later, still nothing.

"Uh, Teal'c? Shouldn't you start?" Sam called.

"The signal for us to begin has not sounded Majorcarter. It would be unwise for us to start."

"Should we not begin anyway, thus ending our time further?" Teal'c said to himself.

" I do not agree."

"Indeed."

Robotic Sam whacked herself in the chest, creating a loud BANG. "There, is that signal good enough?!" Teal'c and Teal'c bowed.

"Well this should be interesting," Ferretti said, peering at them. "They're so good, it'll finally be an even match. Maybe some REAL fighting'll happen for once tonight." But Ferretti was dearly wrong.

Teal'c and Teal'c stood there. One punched the other in the face. The other punched back. Their feet were planted in the ground and they blankly stared the whole time.

-fifteen minutes later-

PUNCH.

Stare.

PUNCH.

Stare.

PUNCH.

Stare.

"Is it done yet?" Sam asked.

"I've counted my money ten times so far." Ferretti sighed. "I'm sorry, eleven. One…two…three…"

---

Jack was busy cleaning up the destroyed booth when Harlan entered with Jack's head.

"Colonel O'Neill! So nice to see you again!" Harlan said happily, bowing. Jack stared at him. Harlan hesitated. "Well, I have come to fix…you." He chuckled at his joke. Jack stared again. The robot head stared up at him too.

"Will you just attach me?" he asked, annoyed. Harlan stopped giggling. Jack lifted up his robot double's body while Harlan secured the head. After some tinkering, Robot Jack shook his head. "Wow that was weird."

"Glad to see you're back," Original Jack said. "Now can we please get back to the match? Teal'c and Teal'c are fighting, and it's not pretty."

"Oooh!" Jack said excitedly, running to the window, hoping to see some action. His face fell. "Wow. They need help."

---

"Seven…eight…nine…ten. Good," Freakazoid said. Daniel set the dumbbells down on the stand above the bench and hoisted himself into a sitting position. He wiped himself with his rag.

"Alright. Let's try some tai-bo," Freakazoid said, putting on some workout music.

"There's still a moon over Miami

And I know this is love hangin' in the air

This could be the night

The night of all nights

If we just take our time

Oh I know we'll find

There's still a moon over Miami…"

"Oops…wrong tape," Freakazoid said quickly, blushing bright red. Daniel eyed him suspiciously. He switched the tape. A real workout song came on. "Ok! Ready? Five, six, seven, eight! Step, step, step, kick! Step, step, step, kick! Good!"

---

Daniel leaned against the bag, breathing heavily.

"Nice. Now curl-ups," Jade Panther said, giving him a 160 lb. hand-size dumbbell. Daniel picked it up and started working. Jade Panther silently pulled out a camera and quickly snapped a few pictures of Daniel's biceps.

"Uh…what're you doing?" Daniel asked, looking at her strangely.

"Just…seeing what your muscles look like now… When we're done I'll take another picture…and we'll see how much you've improved!" she smiled.

"Oh…" Daniel eyed her suspiciously and went back to his curl-ups.

"Phew. This'll go great on my website," Jade Panther said, grinning down at her camera.

---

"Colonels, can you PLEASE make them stop!" Sam yelled up to the speaker. She looked fearfully across the ring to her robot double. Her eye was twitching and her head was steaming.

"So…boring…"

Jack looked out the window. "Jeez, and she thinks THIS is boring." He rang the bell. Teal'c and Teal'c stopped fighting and bowed to each other.

"It seems to be a draw."

"Indeed."

Teal'c and Teal'c bowed and went back to their respective sides. Sam and Sam didn't even look at them out of sheer embarrassment. But Teal'c and Teal'c didn't notice.

Original Sam put her head in her hands. "This is not going well. We're all each equally matched! How can we win?"

Over on the robot side, Bot Sam was wondering the same thing. "This is stupid. We should just leave."

In the seats, the audience was getting restless.

"BOO!"

"YOU FIGHT LIKE MY GRANNY!"

"BEEEP BOP BEEEP BO!"

Garbage and various mechanical parts were thrown at the SG teams.

"You have to do something! I'm losing money here!" Ferretti yelled over the noise, ducking as a large hot dog sailed over his head.

"I don't think we can do anything!" Sam cried back, her face twisting in disgust as Coke splashed her shirt.

"AAAAUUUGGGHH!" A loud yell broke through the growing noise. "I GOT CHEESED!" Robot Sam's eyes started to twitch as the hot melted cheese dripped down her face.

---

"Oh no! It's sinking into her system! She will short-circuit soon! We must do something!" Harlan cried from the speaker's booth. Jack and Jack peered out the window.

"Maybe some music'll help," Jack suggested as he stifled a laugh. He popped in a CD. Nothing happened in the stadium below.

"Well, it was worth a try," he shrugged.

---

Sam rushed over to the robot side and tried to mop up her robotic double. Unfortunately she only made things worse. Robot Sam was starting to spark.

"Oh dear!" C3PO exclaimed, watching the spectacle below. "Look at that! Someone should do something, R2!" R2 flashed his light and beeped a little.

"What?! No, of course I don't mean me! I meant you, R2! You're programmed for this sort of thing!" C3PO said, crossing his legs and robotically huffing. R2 rolled his light but enjoyed annoying 3PO. He continued to taunt him.

"Stop that! What are you doing?!" C3PO cried as R2D2 shot his suction cup onto C3PO's head and pulled him. C3PO slowly stood up at the suction pulled him down the row past a few robots, which were all too busy throwing nuts and bolts to notice him.

"R2, now I mean it! Stop it this instant!"

In the ring, Teal'c and Teal'c's eyes froze. They slowly rotated towards the sound. Their eyes caught sight of a tall and slim gold robot slowly walking across the row.

A girlish squeal pierced the noise.

"OH MY GOD NO WAY! IT'S C3PO! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!"

Faster than you can say 'Indeed', Teal'c and Teal'c had jumped over the sides of the ring, taken the stairs three at a time, and glomped C3PO. "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!"

---

Jack and Jack were rolling on the floor, laughing their asses off at the sight of the two Teal'c's screaming like rabid fangirls.

"Oh, jeez," Jack said, wiping a tear away.

"It's the simple things in life you treasure," Bot Jack said. They both looked at each other. "NEVER GIVE UP; NEVER SURRENDER!"

---

Through all the screaming, squealing, chucking, and laughing, Harlan had made his way down to the ring to try to help Robot Sam. It would have been a nice gesture, had Bot Sam not been sparking in a radius of 5 feet. All Harlan and Sam could do was stare helplessly as the robot became consumed in blue sparks.

Eventually the sparks calmed down and Robot Sam collapsed in a heap on the floor of the ring. Sam knelt down and tried to see what she could to do fix her double while Harlan went about his usual hovering.

Suddenly the lights went out. The audience fell silent for a moment, then people started to scream.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

"LET'S ALL SCREAM LIKE IDIOTS BECAUSE THE LIGHTS WENT OUT!"

A spotlight shined on the entrance to the stadium on the Original's side. Colored lights flickered randomly and fog machines started.

---

Up in the announcer's booth, Jack and Jack were watching the doors with a puzzled look.

"Uh, Colonel O'Neill?" An assistant poked his head into the door.

"Yes?" they both said. The assistant paused for a moment, then handed Original Jack a piece of paper.

"This is from the managers."

"What managers?" The assistant shrugged and shut the door.

"What does it say?" Bot Jack asked. Jack stared down at it.

"Oh, fer cryin' out loud."

---

Down on the floor, people were holding their breath, anxious about what was to come through those doors. Even Teal'c and Teal'c stopped jumping up and down to watch.

"Ladies and gentlebots," Jack's voice said over the loudspeaker, "May I introduce to you, back for his second time tonight, the Keeper of the Tales, the Master of the Knowledge, the King of Dorkdom, my favorite nerd, Dr. DANIEL JACKSOOOON!"

The doors burst open and into the stadium stepped Daniel, wearing a white robe and black shorts. His determined eyes stared ahead as he strolled down the red carpet towards the ring . Jade Panther followed behind him, slapping hands and raking in support from the cheering audience. Suddenly, music blared to add to the effect. Well, that was its intention. Or was it…?

"I'm too sexy for my shirt

Too sexy for my shirt

So sexy it hurts"

Jade Panther and Daniel glared up at the Jacks while they waved innocently and giggled back to him.

"Good one," Robot Jack said. "Ok, my turn."

The audience's attention had turned to the robot doors, expecting the same thing.

"And now, the challenger, the All-Knowing Space Monkey, the Sneezing Brainiac, the Robotic Muffler (I wish), and the most annoying robot you've ever met, ROBOOOOOT DANIELLLL!"

The doors opened and Bot Daniel marched into the stadium, looking encouraged and slightly annoyed, wearing a black robe and red shorts. He and Freakazoid, who was trailing behind and rallying up the crowds, stuck their tongues out at the announcer's booth. Then Daniel started striding to the ring where his double and opponent stood waiting for him. As is predicted, the song Bot Jack chose to play was not a bit more pleasing than the one Original Jack chose.

"Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee

Lousy with virginity

Won't go to bed till I'm legally wed

I can't, I'm Sandra Dee"

Daniel and Daniel gave each other the death glare across the ring and mouthed various "intimidating" phrases, such as "You're going down" and "Don't mess with me, buddy"— none of which served their purpose.

"Oh god," said the Sams.

"Oh my," said Harlan.

"Oh yea!" said the Jacks.

"OH YAY!" exclaimed the Teal'c's.

---

Liss: Well it's finally out. Do you love me now? puppy eyes Make sure you give a niiiice long review and maybe I'll post the next one soon. Ciao!


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